Love and Loss
by connerfan
Summary: Trigger warning: pregnancy loss. One shot.


"I'm sorry, Becky. I'll give you some time alone. Take your time." The doctor said, leaving the room.

Becky looked up at the monitor as tears filled her eyes. "I couldn't afford a baby, anyways." she told herself. Her lips began trembling. "But even though I couldn't afford it...I was kinda excited about it."

Becky put one hand over her stomach, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what I did wrong...I wanted to have you. I wanted you so bad."

Becky felt the cold exam table pressing against her back as she cried. She laid there, gathering herself for nearly thirty minutes, before getting up and leaving. Becky then cried the entire way to her parents house. She wiped her tears at the back door, and walked into the kitchen. Becky sat down at the table, next to her sister.

"Hey." Darlene said, holding a coffee mug in her hand. "Didn't you have an appointment today?"

"Yeah." Becky said, buying her head into her arms on the table.

"Was it an ultrasound?"

"Yeah."

"Well…..how was your ultrasound?" Darlene asked.

Becky looked up at her sister, "I got too excited, too soon."

"What?"

Darlene watched helplessly as Becky's face crumbled.

"Becky? What's wrong?"

"There was no heartbeat."

"Oh...Becky..."

"I feel like I did something wrong. Maybe I didn't eat enough. Maybe I overworked myself."

"Becky, don't do that. Don't blame yourself."

"Who else do I blame, Darlene?!"

"These things just happen sometimes."

Becky began to cry, "I wanted that baby, Darlene."

"I know you did, Becky."

"After Mark died, I convinced myself that I didn't want kids. By telling myself I didn't want any, it hurt less that I didn't have any."

"You wanted kids the whole time." Darlene realized.

"Yeah." Becky sighed. "It doesn't matter now. ...Darlene?"

"What?"

"Do you think it was the alcohol?"

"Becky, stop. Stop trying to blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I just want to know why. I know it doesn't matter, I can't change what happened and I won't have another chance at being pregnant-"

Darlene interrupted, "You don't know that."

"I'm forty-three years old." Becky sighed, "The doctor only gave me a five percent chance. My eggs are too old."

"Well, what about adoption?"

"Maybe if I'm ever able to afford it." Becky replied, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I didn't need a baby anyways. I can't afford it. It's not fair to have a baby if you can't afford it."

"Can I ask a favor?" Darlene asked.

"What?"

"You've been sober for two weeks, ever since you found out you were pregnant. The hardest part of detox is over. Please, Becky, don't start drinking again. You and I both know that's not a way to cope."

"Then how do I cope?"

"Join a support group." Darlene suggested. "Take up marathon running. Do something that releases that pain, instead of just hiding it."

"I'll have to tell Emilio. He's going to wonder what happened."

"Well, I know you barely know him, but if Emilio shares in the grief, maybe you could go to a support group together."

"Well, before I tell Emilio, I have to tell the rest of the family." Becky sighed.

"Tell them when you're ready, Becky. No rush. Tell them tomorrow, or next week."

"No, I think it's best if they know. Then they won't ask about the baby anymore."

Darlene reached for Becky's hand and the two gripped tightly. They held hands during the walk to the living room. Becky watched as Jackie and DJ played a game with Mark and Mary.

"Everybody...I have news."

Becky waited as Jackie and the kids stopped the game. DJ and Geena sat together on the couch, and Dan and Roseanne stood next to the couch.

"I can't do this." Becky said, looking at all of their faces.

"You don't have to do this today." Darlene replied.

"Becky? What's wrong?"

Becky took a couple of minutes to gather herself. Darlene held her.

"Aunt Becky?"

"What?"

"Why are you crying?" Mark asked.

"You never cry." Mary agreed, getting up to cling to Becky's hips.

Becky squatted down to the kids' level. "You know how I was gonna have a baby?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not gonna have a baby anymore."

"Why not?" Mary asked.

"I had a miscarriage."

"Damn it!" Roseanne said. She left the room in a fit of anger and sadness.

"Damn." Dan whispered, under his breath.

"Mark, Mary, do you guys understand?" Darlene asked.

"No." Mary replied.

Becky looked straight into their eyes, "My baby died."

"No!" Mark said, grabbing his aunt. Becky held her nephew for several minutes. She needed his warm embrace, just as much as he needed hers.

"Mom?"

"What, baby?"

"Why did the baby die?" Mary asked, beginning to cry.

Darlene grabbed Mary into a hug. "Sometimes stuff like this just happens."

"But why did it have to happen to aunt Becky?" Mark asked, staring into the eyes of his aunt.

"I know, buddy. We all wanted aunt Becky to have the baby. Aunt Becky wanted to have the baby. This whole family was really excited about it."

Becky felt tears running down her face as Geena handed her tissues. "I'm so sorry." Geena said, giving her a hug, "I love you. I'm praying for you. I'm here for you."

"I'm here for you, too." DJ echoed. "I love you."

"Maybe you'll have another baby." Mary suggested.

"Hunny, I'm too old. The doctor said I won't get to have other babies."

"So that's it? You just don't get to have babies?"

Becky teared up, "I don't get to have babies."

"That's so unfair!" Mary cried.

"But I get to love on you, and Mark, and Harris..."

"But you want to have a baby."

"Life doesn't always turn out like we want it to." Becky shrugged. "But...I have you, and Mark, and Harris to love. I'll just be like an extra mommy to you guys."

Mark saw the pain in Becky's face and went for another hug. "That would've been the luckiest baby in the world, to have you as its mom."


End file.
